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#Sex and Heart RSS Feed Sex and Heart

Sex and HeartHeal Your Wounded Heart One Loving Orgasm at a Time

your gremlin voices?

Filed Under (healing, insecure, love, meditation) by tinque on 07-06-2011

beautiful day The issue of you being harder on yourself than likely
anyone else would, the seemingly incessant noise of the gremlin voices
has been coming up a lot lately, and by chance, or not, I came upon
this poem recently. I hope it speaks to you as it did me....Have a
beautiful week. xxoo

"What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?"

- T. S. Eliot
(12) Comments
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choosing your man

Filed Under (fear, healing, relationships) by tinque on 01-06-2011

walls around your heart Here is something I really, really want you to
consider deeply. If you've been attracting seemingly the wrong men time
after time even though each one appears to very different from the last
bad relationship and even more different from your father and/or
mother, why does it never seem to work out. Even that "perfect" man
said something, did something that was just unacceptable.

One part of this is that you may be attracted to the same kind of man
repeatedly, the true import of which is only revealed after some time
because he SEEMS SO unlike the last "loser".

Most annoyingly, something inside of you recognizes that something
familiar and even if this familiar feels horrible, it's still familiar
and there is great comfort in the familiar, the known, a sense of
safety even if it's unsafe. And this is because you've been down this
road before, or one very much like it, so in an odd way, it feels like
coming home. So here you are again, heartbroken, maybe angry, at him,
yourself...

This has come up before in my articles, probably more than once. But
this isn't what I'm here for today.

We ALL want to love and be loved. That's one of the reasons you're
here. BUT for many if us, deep down inside (and maybe more especially
if you've never experienced love before, not from a lover and not from
your parents) and this could be very deeply ingrained, the fear of
actually allowing someone into your heart is SO great, greater even
than being alone forever.

This is all running unconsciously of course, BUT IT IS running you.

So ask yourself this. Have you been in relationship after relationship,
and things are going really well, and then you "blow it". Or so you
think. You yell for little or no reason. You make a scene about some
inconsequential thing. Or you pick on him for stupid things. He forgot
this. He didn't take care of that. Or suddenly his habit of leaving his
underwear on the floor makes you nuts. Or the way he chews his food or
some other silly thing. Or he failed you in some way, which by the way
you really just created in your head.

And you find these things happening more and more until either you
can't stand him anymore, or you push him away.

Have you ever considered if this is because you're terrified? Scared to
death of really having the love you want? For the thought of fully
opening your heart in this way, making yourself this vulnerable and
then having it taken away for whatever reason is devastating,
annihilating even. Your deepest self is petrified of this. If this were
to transpire, you are very sure you will not survive.

So maybe it's better after all to feel the pain of lack and
unfulfillment. In fact your unconscious, deeply wounded self is
convinced of this.

And here you are, your conscious self in despair and sad and yearning
for the love of your life, your own "the one".

Take a really hard look at this. When things get too close, too heated,
are you maybe starting to put walls back up if they were even down all
that much to begin with? Something in the form of what I described
above? Do you go back on the defensive? Or on the offensive in order to
defend yourself.

If you have the courage to see that this may very well be you, even
when you become aware of this pattern within yourself, breaking through
to this very deep part of yourself to reprogram what has likely been in
place most of your life is not an easy task. Those defenses are
resilient.

I remember so well every time I broke through and peeled back a layer,
the same fear would arise, the same thoughts, and since K was a part of
this, that scared, wounded piece of me thought and felt that a piece of
him must be evil. If this trigger made me feel SO bad, and he was a
part of this trigger, then he must be bad too.

(By the way, even though it's not the same thing coming up to be healed
for you each time you peel back your own layers, often if not always
the same trigger that started you on this journey will arise in your
thoughts. So you're not slipping backwards per se, you ARE moving
forward though sometimes you step sideways or trip and fall, yet you
can pick yourself up, brush yourself off, clean up your booboos if
necessary, and keep going.)

So my old instinctive yet on the the defensive self linked pain with K.
Pain feels bad. K must also be a bad man. How convenient for my deep
wounded self NOT to let the walls down, NOT to let him in.

Even though in EVERY way aside from the former porn looking that hurt
me, he WAS A GEM. He always treated me as his precious gift. This
trigger truly was not interfering with his feelings for me nor his
attention to me.

Yet my wounded self kept putting the two together, and DANGER signals
would arise. Even though layers were slowly being peeled away, my guard
was still up and my heart was not open very much at all and certainly
not very much to him.

It took a very long time to separate these things, tease them apart.
And even after all of this time, I can't honestly say my heart is
completely open to him, not yet. It's open far more than it's ever been
since probably I was born though, ENORMOUS progress, yet there still
can be hesitation.

So my journey continues.

Does any of this resonate with you? Maybe a tiny bit. Please don't be
too hasty in dismissing this concept. There may be more of this going
on inside than you could ever have imagined. It was a huge eye opener
for me, and maybe it will be for you too.

I would love to hear what you come up with and if I can help.

xxoo
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showing love without DO-ING anything at all

Filed Under (men and women, relationships) by tinque on 24-05-2011

being in love A lovely question arose when I was in conversation with a
friend and client. She was feeling confused because she has read that
in the the early stages of a relationship the romance runs strongly,
the love flows. Everyone feels good, appreciated.

But then over time, the romance fades, so wouldn't that mean you would
have to make a concerted effort to SHOW your love. As in doing things
for you partner, your man.

BUT in doing so, that would mean you are leaning forward, and this is
counter to what I teach. So what is a woman to do?

First of all I don't believe the romance has to fade, not ever. I think
this is a fallacy and maybe a trap people fall into.

A mindset some couples can get into is that now that the partner has
been snagged, no more needs to be done. The woman may think an
occasional roll in the hay will suffice; the man may think maybe
flowers on Valentine's now and then will be enough, and both may
believe the usual and expected gifts will do. They seem to operate by
rote, and yes that would indeed be romance lost. Worst case of course
if everything falls by the wayside.

One or both in the couple can become lazy and/or complacent, placing
more importance on other things such as career or something else rather
than on their beloved.

I'm not saying that your career or any other interests you may have are
not important if not vital, and there is every reason to continue to
pursue whatever it is that turns you on, BUT this doesn't mean your
partner has to be neglected. There doesn't have to be a one or the
other choice here. You CAN have both.

But it takes paying attention maybe in the beginning.

To some this comes naturally. To others it takes a little focus until
it becomes more natural, an integral part of you. I would ask you
though, wouldn't you WANT to? This is your lover and your best friend
after all.

Yes the romance will change, for as you grow together and as you grow
more profoundly intimate and in love with each other (this is what I
want for you and hope you all wish for and dream of as well) your
styles of expressing your love and for romancing your partner will
change somewhat, but it will feel good to you. It will feel natural. It
may very well feel much better.

Even though the excitement of the unknown, the well documented
butterflies will likely diminish, so too will the intense and sometimes
crushing anxiety from that same unknown. For example, will he call?
when will he call?! does he like me?!! does he think I'm beautiful?!!!
does he love me?!!!! does he want to marry me?!!!! and on and on and
on...

This is a good thing. I DO NOT miss that part of the courtship. The not
knowing, blech, the insecurity of it all, phooey...

I much prefer the quiet and calm knowing of all those things listed and
more. AND I still get romanced, AND I appreciate this SO much more
because I'm not being overwhelmed with anxiety. I can ACTUALLY FEEL his
love, and I can feel mine.

The love, attention, and affection can keep on keeping on no matter how
long you've been together. And this is what romance is really about
isn't it? The flowers and the gifts are lovely of course and can still
be still present, but it's the look in both of your eyes when you see
each other; it's the feel of your touches as you hold and caress each
other; it's the he can still so turn me on and vice versa. This is the
REAL romance.

Your mode of expression will be unique to you as a couple as you would
want it to be. And it's still romance.

And as for the love beyond this, when your heart is open, the love
flows out too. It can be felt even if you do nothing at all, maybe more
so, for there isn't all that busyness muddying the waters.

When in a marriage or in a committed, long term relationship such as
mine, of course you will do things, but you don't have to do them out
of a sense of obligation. You do things because you want to, because it
feels good, and if your love is strong, you will WANT TO.

I do WHAT I do with NO agenda though, no expectations of getting
anything back. If I can't or don't want to do something, and he can't
or won't handle it, you pay someone to do it.

I cook for him when I feel like it, but I don't expect a thank you
though I get it anyway. I don't do laundry when I don't feel like it. I
do many things for him but only because I have more time and more
flexibility with my time. He doesn't expect any of this (though he will
ask me to do something from time to time if he can't and I can, and I'm
happy to oblige). And this goes both ways.

Now back to the crux of the question; you DON'T DO love. You ARE LOVE.
It is felt, yes, and it is shown by how you gaze at him, how you
respond to his touch, melt in his arms as he is embracing you, and in
how you are kissing on him, making love with him. And you don't always
have to wait for him to initiate, but again you must do this without
expecting anything in return, no validation, no anything back though
again likely you will.

You show love by BE-ING not DO-ING. So be in your love. Allow it to
flow through you and from you. There's really nothing else to be done.

xxoo

(23) Comments
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your sex drive

Filed Under (sex, women) by tinque on 18-05-2011

sleepind sexuality Have you ever been concerned that your sex drive is
drying up, or maybe even that this part of you doesn't work anymore,
that she may be broken?

Say you don't have a man in your life right now. As time has gone by,
you realize that you're not all that interested in sex so much.

You hardly ever think about it. You don't feel like self-pleasuring,
sounds like too much effort or what's the point. Or if you do give it a
whirl, maybe it feels like your forcing yourself spurred by your
ambivalence.

Let's say you do have sex with someone, a someone who you know is not
your "the one" but you thought, "okay, whatever, why not," but the
experience left you feeling cold inside and SO not turned on, maybe
even turned off. You didn't even come close to orgasm. It didn't even
feel very good. It may have even hurt some, or maybe it just felt
indifferent leaving wishing it would just be over already.

So NOW you think that maybe you have lost "IT". And you wonder if
something is wrong with you. OH NO!!! Maybe you're frigid. Oh dear.

This happened to me before when I wasn't in a relationship. And it has
happened to several of my clients. I remember becoming quite worried
really. I felt so blah about sex, so didn't care, feared I had lost my
mojo, BUT I didn't want to feel this way.

And now that I am in a fabulous relationship, still there have been
times when she just seemed to fall fast asleep, and I sort of but not
really dreaded sex, for I had developed performance anxiety.

PLEASE set your mind at rest. What I discovered first of all is that
when it's the right person or someone with whom you have chemistry, the
feel goods, the wanting, craving, reveling in sex comes back. YES IT
DOES.

It may come trickling back, requiring you to have some patience with
yourself as you reposition yourself, rediscover your sensual/sexual
self for yourself and with your new partner.

For you may feel awkward, uncomfortable, nervous, especially if you
were never very experienced or you had never really explored your body
and what she likes, how she works. This may set you out on an
exploration as it did for me, uncovering, discovering my body and her
abilities beyond anything I could have imagined, beyond anything I had
ever read about including clinical or medical articles, books on and
about sex, romance novel as well as erotica.

Or you may find all those wonderful sensual/sexual feelings from before
just come flooding back. Kind of like riding a bicycle. You don't
forget.

When you are deeply immersed in something, say you're taking some
classes at school, learning a new skill or trade or your work schedule
accelerates or you start a business of your own or you're neck deep in
a project or maybe a loved one is gravely ill or anything which
consumes your time, mind, or energy (this may be felt even more so if
there isn't a man present) your sexual vibe or libido gets put on the
back burner.

It's far easier for us as women to turn this off and not necessarily
consciously. It can happen to men as well, but I would venture to say
that for most men, they would not be able to go as long as we women. We
have the ability to put our libido on sleep mode for extended periods
of time, years even, not so much for men.

For men, especially ones in their teens, twenties, and even into their
thirties, the hormone levels don't allow them to do this. Even for an
older man, his peepee will not let him forget for long.

For you though, it's nothing to worry about. When you are ready, when
your special guy comes along, your libido WILL come rushing back. Maybe
in a new way, in a way asking to be explored, or maybe in the way
you've always known.

Our sexuality tends to shift and change anyway throughout our different
life cycles in the bigger picture or moment to moment micro-cosmically,
in desire of course but also in what we feel, how intense are our
orgasms, how frequent, their duration, the quantity, their quality
even.

It's ever evolving and it's ever surprising and fascinating.

Another very important consideration is that our bodies are very
sensitive to fluctuating hormones as I'm sure you know, but also
bio-rhythms as well as day to day stresses. One tiny negative thought
can and does have a big impact on our sexual desires. Please remember
this if she ever seems off or gone completely, seemingly in a coma.

I was asked to consider the possibility that if a woman doesn't want
children, would this affect her libido since the pressure of the
biological clock is not there. Or maybe a woman such as this doesn't
have as strong a libido to begin with since the maternal instinct is
seemingly not present.

I too never wanted children, never had the urge, if anything quite the
opposite, and I suppose it's possible that this could contribute to a
woman's ambivalence, but it's unlikely. The basic, biological sexual
urge or libido is innate. What you do with it, what you think about it,
how it manifests is unique to each woman, but circumstances play the
biggest role. Your awareness and your willingness to work with yourself
as you let old stuff goes is essential to having the most fulfilling,
yummy sex life.

So the next time your body is just not responding the way you think she
"should", remember there are no shoulds, AND though she may seem dead
to the world; maybe she's asleep or being downright cranky, she will
come back with a huge smile if you are kind and gentle, take care of
her, love and embrace her no matter her mood.

xxoo
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the poetry of finding your love

Filed Under (beautiful, healing, love) by tinque on 10-05-2011

calling love Do you ever think that you can't give enough love or the
right kind of love to others until you've filled yourself up completely
with your own love, love for yourself?

Do you maybe also fear that it's up to you to repair any possible
damage you may have inflicted on those closest to you because you were
once oblivious, misguided, and/or more or less closed off to love, your
own as well as love from others and universal love?

Know this, and please never let it go. YOU ARE LOVE. Purely. Simply.
You were born as love. You STILL are LOVE.

Though for many of us this love was stifled, squashed, and likely
buried under layers and layers of hurt and pain and trauma. How much
and to what extent is individual, depending on your innate nature and
your circumstances.

Yet none of this matters. If you're here right now reading this, then
you are already many steps if not miles along on this journey of
healing.

Awareness within and of yourself is key and maybe not half the battle
as is often said, but it is a huge piece, for without awareness, you
wouldn't even know you need to heal. You wouldn't feel the places
inside which impede movement. You wouldn't know to peel back these
layers of protection that once served to shield you but no longer do,
those layers which get in your way, prevent you from feeling as much
love as you dream about.

You wouldn't be seeking and searching as you are now if you weren't
already well on your way.

The other thing I want you to keep very close is that all is not on
hold and certainly not lost until you have reached a place where you
think you may be "completely" healed (whatever this looks like, if it's
even possible) and returned to the vessel of love you once were.

This is all a process and a lifelong journey.

Happily even the very first steps towards healing are felt as a SURGE
OF LOVE by those around you whether they are cognizant or not. And this
ever expanding, enveloping love can enact healing in them as well.

The more you work to heal, the more you release your old stuff, the
blocks, the walls, the places you hold and hold on to due to fear, the
more space there is for flow, and that flow is LOVE.

FEEL this flow. FEEL your love. If YOU feel it, so will your loved
ones.

And when it comes to finding your special someone, your very own "the
One", remember that you have enough love no matter where you find
yourself on your path, more than plenty to summon your own UNIQUE LOVE
to you, the love for yourself AND the love for and of a BELOVED.

Wrap this love up softly, gently, around and through your heart and
body. Melt your being as much as you can and allow this love to wind
its way through you as a continuously, circulating golden filament.
Imagine your shimmering threads of love flowing out into the universe,
floating, soaring. These lustrous, shimmering cords, anchoring tenderly
and profoundly, deeply into your very own soul, flow out all over,
everywhere.

It is this awareness of your already budding, already efflorescent love
which will attract and pull in the one who will adore you, cherish you
in the reality of your time and space. He WILL come to you, in his
time, in YOUR time.

xxoo
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